Day 5 – The Day of the Ned (Part 2)
As you will recall, our intrepid duo were on an excursion across the island in search of fun and frivolity …but little did they know the eventful start of the journey was just a precursor to what was soon to be a night filled with danger and near-death experiences courtesy of the Ned 5!
Edge-of-your-seat stuff, eh!? …forget Dickens, this is your latest zombie apocalypse blockbuster!
The Music Hall Tavern
Billed as “The funniest night of your holiday!” we had come on this little trip to let our hair down and have some fun at the famous cabaret show.
We were greeted at the door by one of the entertainers and like everyone else, we took the opportunity to have our picture taken (although we did let the side down somewhat, looking more than a bit shabby against the glamorous vision that welcomed us to the Music Hall Tavern!)
Before the entertainment started, we needed to find our seats and order extra-large G&Ts. Let’s face it, we needed to go large after that journey!
But then we were gripped with the sudden and dreadful thought…
…what if they sat everyone from our coach party together?!?!
A quick scan of the room confirmed the tables were too small for all of us to sit together. Even better, we were as far from the Ned 5 as it was possible to get and still be in the same room …phew!
The hosts told us we’d be sharing a table with a nice married couple from Ireland and as we neared the table did my eyes deceive me? Was that Peter Kay sitting waiting for us!?
Peter Kay
I can’t remember the name of the husband, because when his lovely wife told us her name was Geraldine… Well, you guessed it! The only thing on my mind was Peter Kay!
I risked a glance at Fi …hopeless! – She had already turned away quietly giggling into her gin!
Poor Geraldine, everything about her said Peter Kay from her beautiful sing-song voice to her look, and of course, her name was the icing on the cake – “I’m Geraldine”, she softly and sweetly said. 😊
I couldn’t speak for a few minutes for fear of giggling, so I just sat there looking like a prize idiot. Thankfully we were saved from complete embarrassment when she had to nip to the loo!
After that, we barely had time to compose ourselves before there was a rush of activity with dinner followed by a raffle!
…what else?! These guys knew their audience. We Brits LOVE a raffle!
The tension was building as the last pre-show drinks were ordered and the show started with a flourish.
The Cabaret
And what a show! It was everything Fi had promised and much more. It was glitzy and glamorous with beautifully dressed dancing Drag Queens, and above all, it was very funny!
Audience participation was amazing, not surprisingly with many men in the audience encouraged to ‘help’ with the entertainment and it worked brilliantly, with everyone laughing the whole night.
We had an amazing time watching the show, and by the end, with our sides aching from laughing so much, we’d just about forgotten the trip back to our hotel…
False hope
When the show ended, an efficient young man with an all-important clipboard gathered us together to escort us back to our coach …when I say gathered us, it was like herding cats whilst wading through treacle!
While we waited the Ned 5 rowdily appeared, clearly having had had plenty to drink. As you can imagine, this just added to the tension for the upcoming return journey.
It wasn’t helped by the clipboard man saying, “You’ll have your hands full on the way back” and laughing!
Then out of the blue, the Ned 5 said they wanted to stay and go clubbing.
Thank you, God! – Our prayers had been answered!
Everyone immediately jumped on this thought, encouraging the fledgling idea, until the Neds, with club details in hand started to walk off in the direction of the nightclub district.
The sheer joy was palpable, we were ecstatic as we walked off to find the coach. Everyone was chatting to each other, talking about what a great night it had been.
After floating along the road on cloud nine, dreaming of a relaxed drive back. We crashed down to earth with a massive bump as we realised our joy at being relieved of the Ned 5 was misplaced and short-lived.
You see, we had inadvertently caught up with them because everyone had been walking in the same direction. And as bad luck and poor judgement would have it, we caught up with the Ned 5 at the exact place where our coach was parked!
…and you guessed it, they decided they were too tired for clubbing and dropped the idea!
The Ned 5 Unleash Hell
There was no snoozing quietly on the coach after a few drinks and a nice night out…
Instead, Fi and I sat in our seats, masks on, wide-eyed with terror and gripping each other’s hands as if our lives depended on it.
As we moved through the darkness to the outskirts of the town, it quickly became clear the Ned 5’s antics on the way there had only been them limbering up …and the full onslaught was about to begin!
Loud Ned grabbed the coach’s microphone and was prancing up and down the front of the coach mimicking ‘entertainment’.
Worse still he kept bugging the driver continuously, getting in his face and distracting him, all to get the mike switched on. This got increasingly dangerous until the driver had no choice, he had to relent, switching on the mike!
It didn’t cool things down inside the coach, quite the opposite, this just meant more noise and more craziness. But for a brief time, Loud Ned stopped distracting the driver.
With that danger averted, it wasn’t long before another micro drama played out…
Without warning the youngest girl staggered precariously to the front of the coach to ‘get on the mike’ and found herself balancing on the top step of the coach …in her 4-inch heels …right in front of the windscreen!
As she teetered on the edge, she was very drunk and totally unaware of her predicament. The slightest touch of the brakes and she was a goner with her falling down the step and breaking her neck or smashing through the windscreen onto the road only to be immediately run over by the coach!
We all collectively held our breath as the coach lurched forward and she wobbled dangerously on a precipice, moments away from a serious accident!
Perhaps sensing the impending doom or the uneasiness from everyone at his girlfriend’s dreadful situation, Ominously Silent Ned uttered his only words of the entire night…
In one swift move, he shouted and grabbed her, “Sit the $&#% down, you stupid ****!” or something like that!
…then, for the briefest of moments, deathly silence.
…only to be broken by the other girl suddenly spouting fun facts about the Ned 5, much of which I didn’t catch because I was trying to tune out!
From what we heard, we discovered the older guy was her Dad. He’d never been abroad so his children surprised him by buying him this holiday …all seventeen (yes, 17!) of his kids helped pay for the trip!
As we drove through the darkness, I wondered when and how this would end, what else could go wrong? Surely this had to stop soon, surely things couldn’t get worse!?
Turns out they could – and as Fi and I were sitting at the front, we had a clear view of the nightmare as it unfolded…
“I want to drive!”
Loud Ned gave the driver a 200 Euro tip as he demanded to drive.
When he was ignored, Loud Ned doubled down…
“I own you now!” he said to the driver
…while making a mock grab for the wheel!
“And when I say I want to drive, I want to drive!”
This is when things escalated from terrifying to truly horrific.
Was this it? Were we about to become one of those awful holiday statistics? A sad news headline?
I still had hold of Fi’s hand, which I gripped even tighter. There aren’t enough words to explain how frighted we were!
With Loud Ned and the super calm coach driver locked in their battle for driver supremacy, suddenly a shout came from Loud Ned’s girlfriend, “I need the loo!”
That’s all it took …those few words!
In a way, his girlfriend saved us, although she probably didn’t know it at the time. Loud Ned changed tactics on hearing her pleas for the loo, and he started ordering the driver to pull over…
(I thought what a great idea, pull over, turf them out and drive off. I wasn’t feeling charitable!)
We only drove on for a few more minutes when the coach driver pulled over quite unexpectedly. Amidst all the chaos we hadn’t realised we’d reached our destination …or more precisely their destination.
Turns out the driver not only had nerves of steel but was smart too, and had decided to ditch the Ned 5 first!
Calmness descends
As the coach pulled away from the Ned 5, there were tears of relief …from everyone!
The remaining 10 minutes were a flurry of farewells between the ‘survivors’ who together had made it through hell and lived to tell the tale.
We were the last to leave the bus, and as we did the bus driver apologised to us. As we thanked him for his calmness and expert driving, we insisted it should be us apologising to him for our horrible travelling companions, the Ned 5!
…because if it wasn’t for him who knows what would have happened.
Would Fi and I still be here!?
It had been an adventure and yet we were still in one piece, albeit a tad shaken AND stirred.
