Day 5 – The Day of the Ned (Part 1)

Definition: ‘Ned’, a derogatory term used in Scotland when referring to hooligans, louts, or petty criminals.

The weather had turned

The day was overcast, to begin with …so we should have known then, a storm was coming!

(Ok, this is my lame attempt at channelling my inner Dickens. I fully accept it needs more work! I’m trying to ready you for the scary tale to come. Consider my dark storytelling a work in progress!)

We woke up to a cloudy sky, which had one advantage: no battles over sunbeds!

It was still a warm day despite the cloud, so after breakfast, we headed off to the prom to entertain ourselves with that time-honoured ‘Art of Shopping’! (Fi, being the generous type had gifts to buy – I’m usually too selfish to bother!)

We took things easy though, making sure not to do anything too exhausting, as we had a big night out planned in the evening (an excursion) and we needed to be relaxed for that.

Playa Blanca town

Playa Blanca was a big place, something we discovered as we meandered along the prom looking in the shops and cafes.

They were packed full of the usual tourist traps with lovely local crafts and the tacky ‘I love Lanzarote’ t-shirts at one end of the scale to ‘designer outlets’ at the other end …some even looked real!

The town was jumping with people, no doubt the overcast weather had encouraged everyone to go shopping. And as we were browsing in one store, the heavens opened for a brief spell, sending people running for cover.

Fi bought gifts for all her family (she really is a lovely person!) embarrassed by Fi’s generosity I did eventually succumb and found something small for Mikey, if only to prove I hadn’t forgotten about him completely! 😉

…and that was it, once shopping was done, we sauntered back along the damp prom to the hotel for lunch.

The Lounge Lizard

By the time we got back, and although the sun was shining, it was very windy across the hotel so sitting outside the pool bar was going to be very messy.

We’d already seen a group of very smartly dressed ladies dash off to change because their wine and half of their lunchtime nachos (complete with salsa, guacamole, and sour cream!) had been blown across the table and they were in the firing line!

(We felt genuine pity for them and worried about how they’d wash that out! …must be an age thing …and besides, we are past the age of sniggering at other people’s misfortune …well, almost!)

So, we sat inside, which meant we were in a prime location when the afternoon’s entertainment started!

At first glance things didn’t look too promising, he was what you could call a Lounge Lizard, not a bad voice, just a bit too smooth, I mean it wasn’t exactly Vegas!

But we’d had a glass or two of sangria, were chilled and had a few hours to kill before we needed to get ready to go out, so we got into the party mood. Singing and joining in the dancing.

We were encouraged along by a couple of ladies that plonked themselves at our table. They’d only just met each other and having ‘had a few’ were ready to party and dance the day away!

They were great fun, and coming straight from the pool area, they were both scantily clad. One (who must have been around 70) needed a costume adjustment with her sarong before going full dance mode. Fi was on hand to help her out (have I said how lovely she is?)

I was trying to hold a conversation with the other one, but I could only understand about 60% of what she was saying. Whether it was the drink or the thick Glaswegian accent, I don’t know, but I struggled to follow everything she said …and that’s despite having spent 30+ years in Scotland!

But it didn’t matter, the language of dance was enough to keep us entertained all afternoon!

Our big night out

That evening we needed to be ready early as we were heading out to the Music Hall Tavern. We’d booked it as our only excursion of the week.

Fi had been before, so she knew what to expect, but I only had a vague idea of what fun lay ahead.

But we had to get there first, MHT was across the island, about a 45-minute drive away and we were being collected by a coach.

When it arrived, we were greeted by another hand-holding rep, who politely informed us that there would be thirteen guests on this massive coach for tonight’s excursion …we were the only ones from the hotel.

(Thirteen… hmmm, ‘unlucky for some’, little did we realise how apt that would turn out to be!)

At this point, the only other thing to note was that we had to wear masks on the coach (we didn’t know it at the time, but that turned out to be a blessing!)

As we visited other hotels in the area, other travelling companions quietly joined the coach sharing polite hellos, finding a seat, and settling down quickly!

Then we arrived at our last stop and picked up ‘The Ned Five!

They were trouble with a capital T …and everyone felt it the second they strode onto the coach!

Fi and I sunk down into our seats as we sensed the impending doom. The trip there was bad enough, at least we were only a little afraid at that point …but an alcohol-fuelled trip back was a very terrifying prospect!

As the air filled with dread, everyone was on edge – it seemed we were heading into hell before the evening had even started!

Our fears were exasperated when the supposed hand-holding friend went through his little chat, finishing off by saying he would be before the coach left the town limits, he would be GETTING OFF THE COACH!!

(And no doubt running for the hills whilst he could still escape!)

So, we were on our own at the mercies of the Neds!

The Ned Five

They strutted onto the coach as if they owned the place, and honestly, from the moment they arrived, no one was going to challenge their ownership rights!

Two young thuggish blokes who could both give Mike Tyson a run for his money. Weighed down with gold medallions, stinking of so much cigarette smoke it was choking us (not for the last time that evening I was thankful for my mask).

One was loud and one dangerously silent. Each was accompanied by a partner, young, slim and attractive …with gobs like sewers.

(Now don’t get me wrong, having a potty mouth is fine, look at Adele! But this was many, MANY levels far below the occasional f-bomb!)

Completing the picture was a smaller much older man (he was seventy we learned later), wearing a bandana, and covered in tattoos. He looked like an indulgent leader, quietly in control!

They could have all been perfectly lovely, but their act was terrifying, and it worked completely on us and everyone else, we were all in total fear for our wellbeing!

The trip there was dreadful, the coach moved through the darkness with everyone cowering in deathly silence, shattered only by the incessant chat from the loud ned spouting a running monologue of meaningless nonsense accompanied by more swear words than I thought existed (although admittedly I did begin to wonder if I had led a very sheltered life!)

Throughout this ordeal, the dangerously silent ned continually played TikTok videos on his phone at full volume providing the whole episode with a kind of weird background music!

Eventually, and with a collective sigh of relief from everyone else on the coach, we arrived at our destination.

Where of course there was another friendly hand-holding rep waiting to greet us and hear our concerns about the journey back…

…just kidding – don’t be ridiculous!

Yes, we were relieved to be off the coach, but there was no one from the travel company to help with the very real nightmare scenario that was developing right in front of us!

Quick closing comment for Part One

Hmmmm… Does this seem a bit too much? A bit too dark and scary? …after all, this is a blog about our holiday!

Well, not even close, it doesn’t even scratch the surface of how truly horrible that journey was! – and the journey back was a whole lot worse.

But I’ll save that drama for Part Two!